Zombie survival 101- For aspiring scientists
Seeing as how I work in a lab, it is only right that I tell you- a lab is a death trap. Let me make this clearer. A lab is a death trap for anyone who is not in the know. And luckily for you, young scientist-to-be, zombies are as far from being in the know as Lord Voldemort is from having a nose.
Ah yes, brilliant Watson-and-Crick-of-the-future, I am going to give you a simple protocol to defend your lab, your bastion of microscopy, your citadel of molecular markers from zombies. (For non scientific readers: Scientists will never follow instructions unless they are given in the form of a protocol. Guess it sounds cooler in their heads)
|Here is a picture of Lord Voldemort not finding that statement amusing.|
Ensure that you are in a lab on the fifth floor or above when the zombie apocalypse occurs. If you are not in such a lab, ensure that you get to one immediately.
Calmly await the arrival of the zombies while collecting the required materials which you shall use in further steps. You may complete pending thesis or report work if the zombies take too long. They are undead after all.
When the first of the zombies steps into the lab, throw acids and assorted chemicals in its eyes. Do not hesitate at the sight of the zombie, even if it is/was a colleague or is munching on a bit of a colleague. Your priority is survival. The acid attack may be accompanied by a manic yell, or in some cases, soiling of the pants. Do not be alarmed by this.
Douse the zombie/s in flammable fluids, substances which are surprisingly to be found in every corner of the lab, usually with names like Butyl, Ethyl etc. If you accidentally set yourself on fire, do everyone a favour and Step 7 yourself. Don't get get in the way of people doing their job. Scientists hate it.
Expose it (zombie) to a naked flame and watch it light up like a moth on a bunsen.
Stab it with the sharp lab instrument of your choice- weapons may vary from simple scalpels to vernier callipers.
Dispose of burning, holey, undead corpse via the large windows.
If you have followed the steps correctly, the soundtrack of the above scene should go like-'BraaaiinnssAaaarrrgghhhhhOwwwwwUghUghUghhhhhhhhSplatttt'.
Please ensure that you wear lab coats and do not touch dangerous chemicals without gloves and please please keep your face away from zombie teeth unless you want to end up like Lord Voldemort.
|Here is a picture of Lord Voldemort finding everything amusing. Noselessly.|